What I could not say

I always thought of writing down my thoughts and rants but it doesn’t seem to happen as I wish. But I will try to and this would be one of them.

I am happy that I am able to run my first half marathon for 2014. As much as I am a lazy and have no training, I can say I am happy with it though I barely made it. I hope to run more and more in this year.

I am sad because I am not hard working at all these days. I sleep, watch movies and read a few books. This is what I do before I go to work and came back from work. Oh. Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club and Rush are quite splendid shows. I suppose Captain Phillips can win Oscar like Argo did last year.

I am (quite) happy that I’ve lived with the old Nokia phone for months. Distraction free. But on the other hand, I am quite addictive to this Samurai Siege game. I play at home, I play at work and it’s taking most of my time. I should think of cutting it off or play less.

I am confused with my own thoughts. Really. Even a small thoughts make me think a lot and sick. I always feel bad and insecure if I have cause someone to feel guilt even if they are wrong. I rather choose to keep quiet and suffer and let them being right. I am not quite sure it’s right.

I am both happy and sad that I am still depending on you. I wonder that’s what I have been or not. Well, it doesn’t matter much now. I am glad you can tell what inside of me and thankful for the constructive feedback. That’s something to respect as well since you can talk to me although I know how much you dislike (or even hate) me. But happy for you since I can feel you’re happy irregardless of me. I owe you a lot.

It’s quite a shame to admit of what I can’t do. Because failure is such an unacceptable thing for me. I never wanted to lost. I lose sometimes. I am still not use to with the fact that in life, you lost sometimes. I wish you are right beside me more and more. I know it’s unfair to think because it’s hardly possible. But I always thought I will be able to endure it. Now I am questioning myself of my capability. I, in fact, feel lonely sometimes. Of course, I still can see you, talk to you and chat with you. But it is really really a different thing with you beside me. It’s inevitable. I feel guilt and irresponsible for not (being able to) giving much time to you. It’s not because I am too busy but partly, because I procrastinate a lot. Sigh. I feel quite terrible to write this.

I don’t believe myself as a good person. Most people would think so but only a handful of people know who I really am and how much crucial, merciless and heartless I am. That’s real me. I can always be nice to you then suddenly, I broke off and do terrible things.

I hope to do a few things in 2014.

Oh I hope nobody read this because I am just writing it down only what I know and you probably have no idea and might even think I am crazy. So, if you accidentally read this, take it as I said. Back to sleep. Tada!


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